History...

I love history.  I'm not necessarily a history buff...but I do enjoy learning about the past.  I like museums, documentaries...even reading the Old Testament is fascinating to me.  You know what I've learned...the past always has a way of showing up in present day life.  Isn't that crazy? What's crazier is the amount of work people do to keep the past "in the past".  Ironically, we spend so much time trying to not remember...that we lose sight of the insight the past brings.  I was watching a documentary on Nelson Mandela a little while ago.  A journalist was interviewing him about the people that had imprisoned him, wrongfully, for so many years.  The journalist asked, "Didn't you hate those people even after they let you go"?  Nelson Mandela responded, "Briefly...but then I said to myself, they had me for 37 years...if you still hate them when you walk out that door, then they still have you."  I had to pause my television, just to capture all that that statement said.  I rewound the clip and watched it again (thank you Direct TV for the ability to pause and rewind live TV)...and then I rewound it a third time. I couldn't get past that statement..."If you still hate them when you walk out that door, then they still have you".  It made me wonder how many people still had a hold on me.  How many people had taken from me...and were continuing to take everyday because I had not let go of them and forgiven.  When Dr. Smith came to our church last fall he stated that "Forgiveness in our own strength is not hard....it's impossible".  Let me tell you how I saw this in my own life.  My birth mother was/is a heroin addict. She sold herself for a living...and when I was young she realized that she could make money off of me as well to feed her habit. I remember...and it was bad.  Fast Forward 35+ years...fast forward past the foster care, salvation, adoption, Christian school, ministry...everything amazing I've been through...fast forward to last Tuesday night. Our small group met at Rib&Loin BBQ for food and Bible-Study.  Bible study is always better with a loaded pork potato and banana pudding.  I was talking to my co-pastor's wife, who had just returned from a missions trip.  She and a few other ladies had gone to the Dominican to work with women who had been involved in and rescued from the sex trade industry. She had been telling us about the area they went to and how the men were very blatant in their gestures and hissing cat calls. I have memories of that from my own childhood. She then casually asked me if I would be interested in going back with them in June.  I wanted to vomit...my pulse started to race and instantly tears came to my eyes.  The thought of going to any place that brought back those memories was more than I could handle.  I didn't even feel a twinge of desire or need to go there...but my reaction to her simple request made me have to stop and think.  That night, cuddled up next to my husband, in the quiet of the night (other than his snoring), I wondered if I really didn't feel called or if my anger and hurt was keeping me from going.  Is it possible that like Mr. Mandela had stated, "If you still hate them when you walk out that door, then they still have you"...that they still had me?  The answer is, I don't know.  I'm still working on figuring that out...it could just be that emotionally that situation just hits too close to home.  Either way, I'm going to figure it out and see if some forgiveness is long overdue in my life.  Who has a hold on your life?  Are you struggling because you haven't forgiven an ex-husband...a friend...or a boss that wronged you?  We all need to pause life from time to time to make sure we aren't slowing down or limiting the plan God has for our life, by not letting go of those who have wronged us.  Let today be your day of freedom...maybe even with a loaded pork potato and banana pudding.